Len Lisenbee's Outdoor World

    Len Lisenbee is the Outdoor Columnist for the Canadaigua Daily Messenger, Shooting Editor of the former New York Sportsman, retired Special Agent with the US Fish and Wildlife Service and book author of "TALES FROM THE MARSH AND OTHER DRIVEL" a unique look with fact and fiction of his years as a federal game warden.
 

All of us have experienced it at one time or another. A small child "acting up" in church and distracting everyone but the guy in the last pew who is already hard of hearing. Sometimes it is just annoying. But there are times when.... well, kids do say the darndest things, you know. For instance....

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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One Sunday a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A little boy opened the big old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages."Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather....and unto the Sonnn .......and into the hole he gooooes."

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Here are some more funny situations for you reading enjoyment.....

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer from a dozen tiny voices was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" “Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

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A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still wasn't comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "BC" and wrote, "does your campground have its own "BC?"

When the Campground Director received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "BC" He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church. So, he sent the following reply:

Dear Madam:

The BC is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week.

Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it, especially on Thursday when there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there.

We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit.

Yours Truly, Campground Director

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Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island...both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!

The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, No we're not. I make over $100,000 a week.

The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!

The other man, unruffled, again responded. No, I make over $100,000 a week.

Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, for the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die.

Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, don't make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. I tithe 10%!!!! My pastor WILL find us!

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Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke, the tree went "boing!", and the kitten instantly sailed through the air — and completely out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor

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A Baptist minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Jewish Rabbi met for tea one day at a local restaurant. Their conversation soon got around to the collection plate offering, and how each divided it up. The Baptist minister told his companions, “I draw a 24 inch circle on a large sheet of paper, and lay it on the floor of my office. Then, I toss all of the money from our collection up in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, I keep. Whatever lands outside, I give to the Lord.”

The priest then related his method. He too used a 24 inch circle on paper, laid on the floor of his office. “I toss up all the money high in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle I give to the Lord. Whatever lands outside, I keep.”

The rabbi said, “what’s with this circle business. I just toss the money up in the air. What the Lord wants, He takes. What He doesn’t take, I keep.”

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Have you ever made a statement or did something that you immediately wished you could take whatever it was back? Either that, or you instantly wanted to crawl into a hole and pull the dirt in behind you? There’s a good chance all of us have made such faux pas in the past. I know I sure have. Here are a few examples of other people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out, and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

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An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

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I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld (go figure)

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I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

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My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

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While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now"she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia

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Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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Two brothers, aged 8 and 10 years old, were exceedingly mischievous in their neighborhood. Whatever went wrong in the community, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about an old-fashioned Baptist Minister nearby, who often worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask this Reverend to talk with the boys.

The mother went to the preacher and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the minister. The preacher sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the firebrand of a preacher pointed his forefinger at the little boy and asked him, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, only louder, the preacher pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around, but said nothing. A third time, only in a much louder, firmer voice, the preacher leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and bolted out of the parson’s house, and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in Big, BIG trouble!"

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, Big BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing, and they think we did it."

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Have you ever had a really bad day? No, No, NO! I mean a really, really bad day! None of that flat tire plus traffic ticket plus no parking space kind of day, but a REALLY bad kind of day? Read on about some folks who had a really, really, REALLY bad day.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

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A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, dropping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

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The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

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A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

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Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

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Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

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The following story was sent to me by my sister. And, the guy who wrote it had a really, REALLY BAD DAY.....

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Subject: love your job...it could be worse

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won....

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of The sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job....

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The following was found in the July 21, 2002 edition of “Fortune Magazine”, which just goes to prove that the editors of that periodical do have a well defined sense of humor, even if they manage to keep it well hidden most of the time.... The first group were extracted from actual job applications. Group two was extracted from actual corporate performance evaluations, and the third comes to us courtesy of our armed forces performance evaluations. Enjoy!

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain-store."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Finished eighth in class of ten."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

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The following quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

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The following lines are actual text extracted from Military Performance Appraisals:

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

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Len Lisenbee